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furiously_fiona
My missing partner 
1st-Sep-2012 02:35 pm
Flamey hair of death
*He goes for a bike ride last night, he doesn't come back, he doesn't answer his phone, the police can't find him because they're busy chasing some fucking stray dog.

Fiona spent the whole night worrying that he'd been jumped or murdered by George Galloway or died of his own stupidity after attempting to jump the bike off a park bench.

That was bad enough.

But now he's waltzing through the front door like nothing's wrong.*

Alastair. Where the FUCK have you been?
Comments 
1st-Sep-2012 06:45 pm (UTC)
*Alastair freezes just inside the front door and slowly brings himself to look at Fiona. Her body language is no more positive than her verbal language.*

Evening, dear. Look, I can tell that you're unhappy.

*He wonders whether an elaborate lie is worth the effort and decides that it's not.*

But it's quite a long story.
1st-Sep-2012 06:52 pm (UTC)
Start talking.

Wait, no. I need to phone the police and tell them you've been found.

So you have two minutes to get your story straight.

*She goes into the kitchen to use the telephone. Alastair can hear her through the door, telling the coppers they can call off the search. The controlled rage in her voice is audible to a trained ear even from a room away.*
1st-Sep-2012 07:00 pm (UTC)
*Feeling a little guilty, but mostly nervous, Alastair goes into the living room and drops into a chair. If only the reality wasn't so damn improbable. Still, he's not exactly at fault, is he? He only had time for one call last night before that moron caught him with the tranquilliser, and it was better made to magical types who understood this bullshit than Fiona, who would only have shouted at him while he was ripped apart by the Peter-wolf. Any reasonable person would forgive that, surely.*

I'm fucked. Oi, you done in there yet? I'm ready when you're ready! I'm so fucked.
1st-Sep-2012 07:03 pm (UTC)
*Fiona apologises to the police for the bother and hangs up. She comes back into the living room, but she doesn't sit down, preferring to stand by the kitchen door with her arms folded across her chest.*

Right. Let's hear it.
1st-Sep-2012 07:12 pm (UTC)
Er. I was at Peter's, as I definitely told you before I left yesterday, just catching up, having a some tea, casually tormenting each other, as you do. And, well, I hope you know I'm not stupid enough to try and make something like this up, but Peter turned into a wolf and attacked me. Okay? I was chased and nearly killed by a werewolf. Are you happy now?
1st-Sep-2012 07:16 pm (UTC)
Full marks for originality, zero for plausibility. I don't even think Rory ever tried that one.

I know you were at Peter's. I called him first when you didn't come home. He wouldn't pick up, the bastard.

Are you two conspiring together about bringing Tony back into politics? We've talked about this, Alastair.
1st-Sep-2012 07:21 pm (UTC)
No! I mean, maybe we are, but that's totally besides the point. Fiona, I wouldn't lie about something like this, please. The dog attacks, in Regent's Park on Thursday? That was Peter! He's in a cell somewhere right now, being looked after by John Bercow. Ring the little tit and ask him if you don't believe me.
1st-Sep-2012 07:29 pm (UTC)
*Although Fiona's default reaction to anything Alastair says under circumstances like these is skepticism and rage, she has to admit that 'werewolf attack' is not really in line with his usual excuses.*

Then why didn't you fucking ring me? Once you got him in the cell, I mean.

And no Blair comeback!
1st-Sep-2012 07:35 pm (UTC)
I was unconscious. Obviously. They were trying to knock the wolf out and must have mistaken me for it, or something. I only came round this afternoon, and I was going to call you, but Peter needed to be mocked and then his dog needed feeding and it all ran on a bit. I honestly don't see what you're so worked up about.

Aww. Not even a little one?
1st-Sep-2012 07:39 pm (UTC)
...they mistook you for a werewolf. You are large and hairy, but even by the Met's recent standards that's pretty bad.

Peter needed to be mocked-? I'm worked up because I thought you were DEAD, you prick!

NO. The last one nearly killed you; we're not going through that again.
1st-Sep-2012 07:45 pm (UTC)
Aha, so you accept that there was a werewolf involved. Which there was. Look, I don't know how it happened - it was dark, there was lots of stuff flying about. The point is, how am I supposed to have phoned you while I was passed out?

But it turns out I'm NOT! Hurrah! Doesn't that cheer you up a bit? Knowing that I'm not actually dead? I thought you'd want to crack open the champagne.

*Sighs.* Spoilsport.
1st-Sep-2012 07:52 pm (UTC)
Much as I hate to admit it, you're too good a communicator to make up a story this ridiculous. Unless it's an elaborate double bluff. But then you wouldn't have suggested I call Bercow to confirm your story, because you know I will.

No. Because if you were dead you would have a good excuse not to have called me, whereas now I know there was a sizable gap between the moment when you regained consciousness and the moment when you deigned to give me some reassurance you were alive.

...wait. Why didn't Bercow ring me?
1st-Sep-2012 08:00 pm (UTC)
*Alastair senses an opportunity to divert the flow of anger away from himself and seizes it.*

Good question! He put me up last night, you'd think the least he could do would be to alert you at some point. You should ring him now, in fact. Absolutely. Go and get confirmation and shout at him for a bit. Please?

And in future, dear, maybe it would be easier to just assume I'm alive. At this point I'd be more surprised at my own death than anything.
1st-Sep-2012 08:10 pm (UTC)
*Fiona gives him an arch look that suggests she knows what he's trying to do, but nods slowly*

Yes, I think I will give him a ring.

If I assumed that, you'd have killed yourself with that moonlight ride last month. And the incident with the lawnmower. And that time you mixed the bleach and ammonia together because "it will clean twice as well!"
1st-Sep-2012 08:23 pm (UTC)
Good, good. And... you may as well ask after Peter, too. Might be interesting to know if he's decided what route he's going to take, or whatever. Just, you know. If it comes up.

I was in control of that lawnmower! But I concede that you do have a tendency to coincidentally turn up when I'm not at my best. Now, let's stop ranting on about a few little mildly dangerous incidents, and give Bercow the thorough fucking bollocking he deserves, yes?
1st-Sep-2012 08:27 pm (UTC)
All right.

I am glad to see you home in one piece. You prick.

*she goes over and gives him a quick hug, then marches off to the kitchen to unleash hell on Bercow*
1st-Sep-2012 08:30 pm (UTC)
Love you too. *After a moment he follows Fiona to watch cheerfully from the kitchen doorway.*
1st-Sep-2012 09:50 pm (UTC)
*Fiona puts the phone back on the cradle.*

The little bastard hung up on me!

*Not that she wasn't finished with him anyway, but it's the principle of the thing.*
1st-Sep-2012 09:52 pm (UTC)
Did he? The bastard. Still, you gave him a good ticking off. Got it all out of your system now? Can I go to bed?
1st-Sep-2012 09:53 pm (UTC)
On the sofa.

We're going to see Peter tomorrow, by the way.
1st-Sep-2012 09:57 pm (UTC)
*mutters* Fine, fine...

Oh, joy. What finer Sunday tradition than a house call to a grumpy naked werewolf-man?
1st-Sep-2012 10:00 pm (UTC)
You'll enjoy it. I'm going to tear a strip off him for trying to eat you.

...Have they not given him clothes? Right, we're definitely going to see him.
1st-Sep-2012 10:10 pm (UTC)
*Alastair perks up considerably.* Bloody well right, too. If I was in a litigious frame of mind I would sue the tail off him, but that works just as well.

Careful, you. A certain amount of amusement at his situation is healthy, but I've got my eye on both of you, all right?
1st-Sep-2012 10:18 pm (UTC)
No! I meant- he's gay, Alastair.

But he's at the mercy of near-strangers. There should be someone looking out for him. We'll stop by his house in the morning and pick him up some clothes. And a fruit basket... a- a meat basket, I guess. Can he still eat human food?
1st-Sep-2012 10:27 pm (UTC)
Traditionally, but a man capable of transforming overnight into a killer wolf is capable of anything.

How generous of us. As for human food, I reckon so. When he's in human form, that is. Why don't you google it? I've got a bed to make on the sofa.
1st-Sep-2012 10:32 pm (UTC)
Yes, please enlighten me, you with your extensive knowledge of werewolves. *Fiona rolls her eyes*

Goodnight, dear.
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